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How bad can Strictly Ballroom be? Spectacularly.

Strictly Ballroom

Strictly Ballroom

The first in Baz Luhrmann’s “red curtain trilogy”, Strictly Ballroom became the sixth most successful film of all time in Australia. The show is based on Luhrmann’s musical film of the same name. If this sort of brainless commercialism is one of the great enemies of light entertainment then the other is definitely excessive Drew McOnie (In the Heights, Bugsy Malone, On the Town). McOnie is an accomplished choreographer – he is not a very good director, which is a shame.

Certain things happened during the jaw-droppingly messy musical version of Strictly Ballroom, at the Piccadilly Theatre that I don’t wish to dwell upon, mainly involving Will Young, wasted talent and a misjudged ode to ballroom dance, it is with deep regret that I must report that the resulting two and three-quarter hours are not ideal.

It’s the oddest thing I’ve watched this decade, though, and has been the top of my to do list ever since I saw Will Young had washed up in it. Unfortunately, his dreadful over-acting really is terrible.

Part jukebox, part movie musical then. What this means is that McOnie has taken songs such as Mambo Number 5(!), Love Is In The Air and I Wanna Dance With Somebody & stripped them of their merit. He then puts the songs in the mouth of Pop Idol winner Young, who is reduced to standing around and/or sitting on a stool.

The strange thing is, though, someone has actually planned it this way, because they think it is entertaining and therefore consider it entirely appropriate for a top price ticket to be £129.00. The wigs are dicey, the costumes don’t fit and the show has nothing to say.

One or two moments are really worth recalling for posterity, though.

The first is Will Young whizzing around the stage in roller skates like a slug; falling over during key moments of the story and the unforgivable caricatures (racist) Spanish parents. You or I, in this situation, might have asked: “what the fu**” Or suggested: “Just close your eyes and pretend it isn’t happening.”

At the end the day, it is one of the worst musicals I have seen in the last five years. Soutra Gilmour’s ghastly design made me lose sleep and the costumes bring a Worthing Rep quality to the West End – last seen in Spice Girls’ car crash musical: Viva Forever.

Some of this might just be forgiven if the musical had any flair at all, but it is dire in vision and execution and quite inane and reductive in the way it reduces all women to being desperate to please idiotic men, succeed and portrays them as a bunch of hysterical, image-obsessed neurotics.

It’s about making money. Avoid.